Es tut mir leid. Bitte lest den folgenden Beitrag nicht. Ich moechte es nur posten, weil ich es einfach loswerden wollte. Mir von der Seele schreiben wollte.
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I'm a fucking mess, I lost myself, I'm not good enough, I hate myself.
Simply, I DON'T WANT TO BE ME.
I don't want to be me because I'm sick of my body, sick of eating, sick of being lazy.
Sick of my mind, sick of being uncomfortable with who and what I am.
I'm sick of never accomplishing anything I try for.
I'm just sick of being me.
And than there is this jealousy. I'm jealous of all this girls.
This thin girls, this beautiful girls, the girls who aren't scared to take risks, the girls who are loud and fun.
I'm trying to be like this. But I am not. I'm not fun, I'm not pretty, I'm not smart. I'm not thin.
I do have nothing.
Simply, I DON'T WANT TO BE ME.
I don't want to be me because I'm sick of my body, sick of eating, sick of being lazy.
Sick of my mind, sick of being uncomfortable with who and what I am.
I'm sick of never accomplishing anything I try for.
I'm just sick of being me.
And than there is this jealousy. I'm jealous of all this girls.
This thin girls, this beautiful girls, the girls who aren't scared to take risks, the girls who are loud and fun.
I'm trying to be like this. But I am not. I'm not fun, I'm not pretty, I'm not smart. I'm not thin.
I do have nothing.
And this feeling is inside me. Deep inside me and it's eating me up.
Even in a crowed room I'm feeling alone. (I'm so scared everyone secretly hates me.)
And I hate when my friends are talking about boys or boyfriends because this reminds me how alone I am.
The feeling of lonelyness and being an outsider is never leaving me.
Sometimes it's hiding but it still stays with me. I really wanted to run away from this but I failed.
So time from time I fall apart. Many times I've sat in my room and cried and
honestly I don't know how many times I've lost hope and than there are this thoughts.
They go through my head whenever I'm sad. You don't know how horrible they truly are,
but sometime I just think this world is better without me.
And than everyones been saying: "You'll feel better", and "Don't worry after a time it will be fine".
But guess what. It's not.
It was changing for a while, right. But there's a war inside of me and I don't know but the worse side always wins.
Even when I've a lot of good best memories... they're nothing against the sadness which is in me.
I really want to run away. From fear, from being me. And I want someone to come. Someone who's taking me by the hand and save me because I can't do it alone.
But instead of building a bridge, I'm building a wall and hurt the people who maybe care about me.
I'm pushing them away because I know that I'm not good for them and I know,
that they don't want to deal with someone like me. They don't want to have a sad face on their "happy life party".
They're getting tired of me.
I'm tired of myself too.
But I don't have the courage to escape.
Even in a crowed room I'm feeling alone. (I'm so scared everyone secretly hates me.)
And I hate when my friends are talking about boys or boyfriends because this reminds me how alone I am.
The feeling of lonelyness and being an outsider is never leaving me.
Sometimes it's hiding but it still stays with me. I really wanted to run away from this but I failed.
So time from time I fall apart. Many times I've sat in my room and cried and
honestly I don't know how many times I've lost hope and than there are this thoughts.
They go through my head whenever I'm sad. You don't know how horrible they truly are,
but sometime I just think this world is better without me.
And than everyones been saying: "You'll feel better", and "Don't worry after a time it will be fine".
But guess what. It's not.
It was changing for a while, right. But there's a war inside of me and I don't know but the worse side always wins.
Even when I've a lot of good best memories... they're nothing against the sadness which is in me.
I really want to run away. From fear, from being me. And I want someone to come. Someone who's taking me by the hand and save me because I can't do it alone.
But instead of building a bridge, I'm building a wall and hurt the people who maybe care about me.
I'm pushing them away because I know that I'm not good for them and I know,
that they don't want to deal with someone like me. They don't want to have a sad face on their "happy life party".
They're getting tired of me.
I'm tired of myself too.
But I don't have the courage to escape.
I'm sorry.
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